Heart, Like Head, Leads Helplessly

[preserved_ginger]

Title: Heart, like head, leads helplessly
Rating: PG
Character(s): Rose. The Doctor (off-camera, but referred to throughout). An un-named character.
Pairing(s): Ten/Rose
Spoilers: Deals with that Season 4 spoiler, but only obliquely. If you know about Doomsday, you're golden.
Setting: The parallel universe.
A/N: This deals with the beginning of the way back. Unbeta-ed, so any and all mistakes are mine. The title (from the poem Should Lanterns Shine?), and the quote at the beginning of the fic (from the poem And Death Shall Have No Dominion), are both by Dylan Thomas.
Disclaimer: I'm neither Dylan Thomas nor the BBC.
Dedication: For requialexa
Summary: I promised him, didn't I?

“Though lovers be lost love shall not”

“What would you do, Rose, if you could go back? Would you go?”

I'd made my choice a long time ago, I'd told him, and I was never going to leave him. I'd stay with him for ever, I said; had Torchwood not messed with things they didn't understand, I'd be with him still.

Thinking about that too often brings the pain back as if it had happened yesterday, so I don't often travel down that road; it hurts too much. But if I could go back, if there was some way that I could return to him and keep those promises, as far as I ever could, would I? Could I?

“It's impossible, he said so.”

I remember that conversation very well indeed; too well, I think. The resigned defeat that swamped him, and the barely leashed agony that seemed burnt into his eyes, haunt my nightmares even now.

“And he's never been wrong, ever, in all the time you've known him?”

I, of all people, should know this, better than anyone - he's right more often than he's not, but even he's not perfect; not that I would ever have told him that! That “impossible” planet, for starters - he kept saying that was impossible even though the fact he was standing there saying it ought to have been enough to prove to him that it was anything but 'impossible'.

“Fair point.”

And I'll not get into remembering the whole business surrounding Madame de Pompadour, for what would be the point? Enough to remember that he came back to me; he never told me how he'd managed it, and I'm not about to wreck my head trying to figure out how!

“So, Rose, stop fudging the question. If you had the chance, what would you do?”

Time was, not so very long ago as all that, you'd not need to ask me that question. At the time, I'd burned any bridges holding me to my old life - my mother, my best friend, the man who is my father's doppelgänger; everything I'd ever wanted, I gave up for him.

I don't regret that choice. I'd do it again - for him - in a heartbeat, but it was a huge, huge thing for me to do.

And was he grateful? Was he hell. He spent some of the last moments we'd have together shouting at me, going on about how I'd never see my mother again (did he think I was so stupid I hadn't worked that out?)

And some things don't ever change; it took me mere seconds to make my decision. The easiest decision I've ever made, in some ways - and in others, the hardest. But the choice I made is the only one I could live with myself for making.

“What sort of question is that? I'd go back to him in a heartbeat; you know I would.”

I promised him, didn't I? I'd meant it, then; I mean it now, just as much. More. And if there's a chance, any chance at all, that I can go back to him? I'd have to be mad not to take it.

The others will be all right without me: Mum has Pete, and my baby sister Hope. Mickey has Jake. There's nothing here for me without him, there never was.

“Then I have good news for you.”

This can't be what I think it is, it can't be. Can it?

“What is it?”

Oh please, oh please.

“We think we've found a way back.”

Comments

[amberfocus.livejournal.com]

And you end it there? Ahhhhh! That was my first reaction. My second is that this is so beautifully done. And so hopeful. I loved it. Can't wait for more. I'm assuming this one will have more?

[bananasandroses.livejournal.com]

And you end it there? Ahhhhh!

Yep!

My second is that this is so beautifully done. And so hopeful. I loved it. Can't wait for more. I'm assuming this one will have more?

Every time I tried writing more for this one it came out sounding contrived; I usually take this as a hint that the fic's finished - but I've learned never to say "never ever"!

I'm glad you like this though :D

[helygen.livejournal.com]

Oh, this is so, so gorgeous.

*hopes*

[bananasandroses.livejournal.com]

*hopes*

Oh me too, me too.

[dreamin-hope.livejournal.com]

Oh this was lovely. Love the internal conversation in Rose's head. It's perfect.

[bananasandroses.livejournal.com]

Love the internal conversation in Rose's head. It's perfect.

It's usually the way I write the Doctor, but the plot!bunny for this fic came to me in such a way as to make me think that maybe I could pull it off for Rose, too. Glad it's worked!

[maniacalshen.livejournal.com]

Lovely, and realistic. I love the undertone of, "He's such an ass. God I miss him!" for some reason. XD

[bananasandroses.livejournal.com]

I love the undertone of, "He's such an ass. God I miss him!" for some reason.

That's because you know that's what she's thinking! ;)

[jai-23.livejournal.com]

I adore the narrative in this. I really, really do! ♥

Gah, Dylan Thomas is so amazing, his poetry oh so eloquent! :)

I love the hope in this, any chances of a sequel? With the same kind of style? I've never seen anything written like this before and it has intrigued me greatly. It works so well! :)

[bananasandroses.livejournal.com]

I adore the narrative in this. I really, really do! ♥

It worked remarkably well, didn't it? It's more how I usually write first-person Ten than Rose but I'm quite impressed myself with how it turned out.

Gah, Dylan Thomas is so amazing, his poetry oh so eloquent! :)

It is; he has a knack with words and his poetry has something of a in-built melancholy to it which appeals to me.

any chances of a sequel?

Possibly.

[requialexa.livejournal.com]

Well, had I not already been smiling again thanks to you, and thanks to the dedication, then the hope in this certainly would've done the trick! Thank you so much!
I especially loved this:
He spent some of the last moments we'd have together shouting at me, going on about how I'd never see my mother again (did he think I was so stupid I hadn't worked that out?)

Never seen that addressed before, I mean, I know he was trying to detach, trying to quell the joy and relief at having her back, but still! He was so mean! So yay! I loved this!

[bananasandroses.livejournal.com]

Never seen that addressed before, I mean, I know he was trying to detach, trying to quell the joy and relief at having her back, but still! He was so mean!

He was mortally afraid for her, which excuses much of it - but, yes, he was mean. And I'm sure he regrets every second of it now.

*hugs*

[wiggiemomsi.livejournal.com]

SUCH a nice story; love the internal dialogue! And a hopeful ending, too. Hope you will continue with a "sequel?"

[bananasandroses.livejournal.com]

SUCH a nice story; love the internal dialogue! And a hopeful ending, too. Hope you will continue with a "sequel?"

I'm glad you like it; as for a sequel - I'm not sure. Possibly.

[effulgent-girl.livejournal.com]

You leave it there! Agh! Beautiful story though:)

[bananasandroses.livejournal.com]

You leave it there! Agh!

But of course ;)

Beautiful story though :)

Thanks!

[artemis-obscure.livejournal.com]

I beg to differ from most of the comments. I thought that was the best place to end this. It hints so many possibilities at the happy ending.

And as usual, this is another well written piece. =)

[bananasandroses.livejournal.com]

I beg to differ from most of the comments. I thought that was the best place to end this. It hints so many possibilities at the happy ending.

That's true - it's a sort of thing where you can decide for yourself what happens next, and if she succeeds in seeing the Doctor again.

And as usual, this is another well written piece. =)

Thanks!

[ratatusk.livejournal.com]

Wonderful!

I think it's a fantastic place to end the piece. It leaves you wanting more, but if that more was written it would take away from the beauty of this piece.

Fantastic job.

[bananasandroses.livejournal.com]

It leaves you wanting more, but if that more was written it would take away from the beauty of this piece.

Pretty much, aye; one way of doing a sequel to this that has occurred to me is doing it from the un-named character's POV. I'm intrigued by that idea and may well try it at some point.

Fantastic job.

Thank you :)

[theorclair.livejournal.com]

*delurks*

Reading through your fic, I had to comment on this one. Dylan Thomas and Doctor Who in the same piece, yay! And two of my favorite poems of his as well. (Wish you could have worked the last line of "Should Lanterns Shine" in there, though...)

[bananasandroses.livejournal.com]

I like Thomas’ poetry (Do Not Go Gentle and Eli Jenkins’ Prayer being my most favourite). I’m not sure about the last line of Should Lanterns Shine in a fic, but never say never!