The Fear Within (Ten/Rose, 12, 1/1)

[preserved_ginger]

Title: The Fear Within
Series: The Darkening Sky
Sequel to: Moving Forward
Beta: glory_jean
Characters: Rose Tyler, The Doctor
Pairings: Ten/Rose
Rating: 12
Timeline: Season Two, between The Satan Pit and Fear Her
Summary: Letting somebody else in is probably the hardest thing he’s ever done; will he live to regret it?

He’s no good for her, or anybody else, and she’d be far better off without him. Of course, she knew all this. She’d had it burnt into her psyche, usually by him, over and over again. It was a wonder, in many ways, that she was still talking to him really. Most of her kind would have run a mile the first chance they got and would have stayed under the radar thereafter as much as possible, thinking themselves lucky that they’d dodged a bullet. In his more reflective moments, he wondered if Mickey felt something similar now that he was safely out of reach in a parallel universe.

He wondered, too, whether Jackie had ever forgiven him for stealing her only daughter from her. In his darkest moments, which plagued him often despite the unparalleled level of happiness he felt, he wondered whether Rose only stayed because she couldn’t bear to hurt him. Because that’s what he did to people. He trapped them, and by the time any of them came close to realising the consequences, it was already too late.

Rose’s case was special in that way; not only was it too late for her, it was also too late for him. He’d managed to make her utterly necessary to his well-being in a way that would make extricating himself horribly painful. He wasn’t an idiot. He knew that short of a miracle (and by ‘miracle’ he meant something he thought even less likely to occur than your average workaday miracle, and the common and garden variety were rare enough already), Rose was walking the same way to dusty death as every other of her kind; her “for ever” could only ever be a fraction of his, despite promises to the contrary.

He knew all this, had gone over it in his head time and time again, but despite the starkness of reality – that she’d die long, long before he did – he was so desperate and so lonely that he was actively encouraging her to believe that it could be possible.

There were ways of extending her life, of course, none of them particularly pleasant. He knew this because the wildly optimistic side of him had started researching the subject soon after he had admitted to himself that he was letting himself fall in love with Rose. He hadn’t much liked what he’d learned, but the pace of his search had quickened exponentially as his feelings deepened and strengthened. Surely there was an answer somewhere?

Then, of course, he had to counter the prior claim that Jackie had that could lead to Rose leaving him. He had the impression that Jackie saw him in roughly the same way he saw her: as a rival for Rose’s love and affection. He’d challenged the last rival for Rose – Mickey the Idiot – and had won without even trying. But it was different with mothers and he lived in perpetual fear that Jackie would say or do something that would force Rose to stay behind.

It was a fear that stalked his dreams – he dreamt of losing her by some means or other at least as often as he dreamt of the Time War these days, which was just another thing to add to a rapidly increasing list of things that unsettled him. He liked to at least pretend to himself that he was hiding his fear and increasing distress from her convincingly. Her increasing distaste for the restrictions he’d put on her whilst terrified that he’d lose her were, at the moment at least, bearing that out.

But the furious argument they’d recently had on the subject suggested to him that he needed to find a longer-term solution to the problem. The only thing he could think of was to tell Rose everything, but, in his opinion, that was going to do little except make her leave him (and not only that, but to have her leave him with the impression that it was the right thing for her to do). The thought of that terrified him. So despite everything, he went back to the behaviour that he had used in situations like this one for as long as he could remember: he acted as if nothing out of the ordinary was happening and focussed on more pleasant things instead.

In this case, that was Rose. He took her to pleasure planets and deserted romantic beaches, and to planets that were renowned in several galaxies for the quality and variety of their shopping experiences. He even took her to see her mother without having to be prompted to do so. Anything, in fact, to keep her happy and content if that meant that she wouldn't think of leaving him. The physical side of their relationship developed in great strides during this time; at every opportunity he used everything at his disposal to pour out the feelings he had for her. Yet he grew ever more desperate as those feelings continued to deepen.

Every time he thought that he couldn’t feel any more strongly for her, something happened to prove him wrong.

The two of them finally became fully sexually involved with each other after a short visit to Dairo, one of the more esoteric of the pleasure planets they’d visited. For the best part of a week, they’d stayed in the Vortex – and for the vast majority of that had not left his room – unable to keep their hands off each other now that the final barrier to a full relationship was gone. For the first time in months he felt calm, at peace and happy, confident in the love of the woman he loved – no, adored – beyond reason. For three weeks following, the two of them were in a bubble of happiness that was essentially their own world for the most part, where it seemed that nothing could touch them. He began to let himself believe – primarily because he wanted to, as the alternatives were unthinkable – that all the worrying had been for nothing and that the Beast really had been lying about anybody dying in battle, let alone Rose. He began to let his guard down. Began to let the TARDIS take them to places that were slightly unsafe. But then they ended up on Yothila.

And everything fell apart.

Comments

[doctorsdiva.livejournal.com]

I don't like the sound of Yothila 0_0 Now I'm scared for Rose and for the Doctor's sanity. Will there be more of this??

[nani1986.livejournal.com]

I want more! I love angsty and tortured Ten! AGH!

Will there be a second part? :D

[alizarin-skies.livejournal.com]

Why does it say (1/1)? Surely there are more?
Great piece, as always :D

[maniacalshen.livejournal.com]

The Doctor actually sounds notably unhealthy in this one. Unreasonably fearful of her leaving him, being jealous of her mother, putting restrictions on her (though I agree he'd do this in a fit of worry). This ominous sense abates in the second half, though, when he realizes that none of that's helping and just focuses on being happy.

[thistwilight.livejournal.com]

Ooh, nice. I'm intrigued. Will there be more? :)

[pncwho.livejournal.com]

I'd love to see more, too!

[helygen.livejournal.com]

Oh Doctor :(


"For the first time in months he felt calm, at peace and happy, confident in the love of the woman he loved – no, adored – beyond reason. For three weeks following, the two of them were in a bubble of happiness that was essentially their own world for the most part, where it seemed that nothing could touch them."
I knew, when I read that, that it would not end well. Why can't the fates let him be happy, no strings attached? :(