In My End Is Her Beginning

[preserved_ginger]

Title: In My End Is Her Beginning
Character(s): Ten. Rose.
Pairing: The same as always.
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: Sadly, not mine.
A/N: The title, and the text of the cut, are both from T. S. Eliot’s Four Quartets. Other than from 4X13, I’ve borrowed dialogue from Family of Blood and Doomsday, and a line from Do I Have To Say The Words? by Bryan Adams. A sequel, of sorts, to Rosa Sine Spina.
Spoilers: Spoilerific for 4X13
Summary: We could start again. I’d like that, you and me.

Ash on an old man’s sleeve
Is all the ash the burnt roses leave.

“He needs you. That’s so very me.”

I need you, just as much. More. Make me stop, Rose. Please. Make me stop.

“All right,” she says, and he hates himself for making her do this. ”Both of you, answer me this. When I last stood on this beach – on the worst day of my life – what was the last thing you said to me?”

She looks directly at him and, knowing what he must do in order to keep her safe – didn’t he promise Jackie he would always do that if he could, after all? – he can barely look at her. He cannot bear to leave her, when he knows that this time he’ll not ever see her again, but this is torture.

“Go on,” she urges, still looking at him.

“I said: ‘Rose Tyler’.” The words are wrung from him like water from a flannel and it’s all he can do to stand there. But he will give her this, he owes her this much. And more besides.

The way this feels, Rose Tyler, you might yet be the death of me a second time.

She doesn’t seem to like that answer. Unsurprising, really. If it were him on the receiving end of it, he doubts he’d like it any better.

We could start again. I’d like that, you and me. We could try, at least. Because everything that man there is, I’m capable of that, too.

And then she speaks again, and it’s as if no-one else exists for him.

“Yeah. And how was that sentence gonna end?”

“Does it need saying?”

Must I prove to you how good we are together? Do I actually have to say the words, for you to believe them?

Without another word, she turns to the other him, the human him, the one wearing that blue suit he’s never liked.

“And you, Doctor? What was the end of that sentence?”

He sees his alter-ego lean towards her, and whisper the words in her ear that he’d always known she’d needed to hear but had never been brave enough to say. He thinks he is ready to handle what’s coming next.

He’s wrong.

I never thought to think it would be possible to be jealous of myself.

He’s dreamed of her for so long now, has ached to take up again where they left off, and he can’t. He has to stand there and watch her kissing a man who is him – and a complete stranger, both at once – and watch him kissing her back with all the love and passion that he has for this woman in front of him (for everything his Doppelgänger possesses is only by virtue of the fact that he thought and felt – thinks, feels – it first).

Nothing – nothing at all, ever – has prepared him for the level of pain this has brought him, worse in its way than the Time War ever was. For whilst he had a love-hate relationship with his people (some he loved, some he hated), he has never felt anything but love for Rose. He loves her. Is in love with her. And the memory of it, the one thing that has kept him even halfway sane since he lost her, is the one (the only) thing that he knows he’ll always have.

If it’s the last chance I have to say it: Rose Tyler, I —

It will have to be enough.

Comments

[shmobeline.livejournal.com]

Oh, I completely agree. The episode cut, but this is just pouring lemon juice on it. You really know how the wrench out one's heart, don't you?

Memory'd.

[white-guitar.livejournal.com]

This last bit:
"And the memory of it, the one thing that has kept him even halfway sane since he lost her, is the one (the only) thing that he knows he’ll always have.

If it’s the last chance I have to say it: Rose Tyler, I —

It will have to be enough."

Wrenched my insides and caused me to gasp. A beautiful fic.

[falulatonks]

Gorgeous. And absolutely heart-breaking. Of course he feels like this - you can see it written all over his face, and it kills me. You've written it down right, and that kills me more.

It will have to be enough. made me wail almost as much as Does it need saying? so - kudos. Although I may be dying a little inside because of this show and all the beautiful fic. D:

You're fantastic, though; this was a treat to read in the way it was written, even if it slaughtered me. ;)

[pencil-gal.livejournal.com]

This made me hurt. So much. Just as much as the actual scene did. *sigh*

I would love to see POV fic of this moment and as the Doctor leaves from Doctor 2.0. I'd like to see his thoughts while he's standing there holding Rose's hand and knowing that he's not the man she wants, not really.

All three of them... *sigh* So much angst.

[bubbles234.livejournal.com]

OUCH. SO SOON AFTER JE TOO. OOOOWWWW. D: *Sob*

[xbriyeon.livejournal.com]

I love/hate you. You've made me cry.

[surrexi.livejournal.com]

You are an evil, evil genius.

I have to go cry some more now.

[teddy-tips.livejournal.com]

That was fabulous! I love how you've painted the Doctor's choice. It's so very him, and so brave and weak at the same time. Even if Rose's decision was a bit iffy, the Doctor was perfect!

[principia-coh.livejournal.com]

I still need to watch this again, and listen to the commentary and confidential to get some perspective on authorial intent, especially since the ep basically pulled an Empire Strikes Back and just stopped, but man. Melon baller applied to heart time.

[fairyfloss-love.livejournal.com]

Wow. You have me in tears ♥ Beautiful

[helygen.livejournal.com]

Oh bloody hell.

I knew you would write something like this, and I knew it would break me in pieces all over again.

Beautifully done, hun. Now please excuse me while I resume my breakdown

*sobs*

[bexylexi.livejournal.com]

beautiful and bloody heartbreaking!!!

*sob* as if I wasn't cut up enough after last night!

But that was a wonderful piece, so so real, so hard for him to bear....

[electrictoes.livejournal.com]

This is going in my memories for being too bloody amazing for its own good. Adored it.

[fevervignettes.livejournal.com]

This made me cry far more than the finale did.

Lovely, really. Just lovely. And heartbreaking.

[wiggiemomsi.livejournal.com]

Please ... now write a happy version! Bad Wolf Rose can live as long as her Doctor, so she gets original & Donna gets clone version!!

*Heart is broken*

[usaku.livejournal.com]

Oh geeze. I got choked reading this.. but I needed it somehow. It captures so much of our Ten's feelings... God this ending is just so heart wrenchingly sad. Why, RTD, why?!

*adds to memories*

[phdelicious.livejournal.com]

This killed me and it's exactly the reason why I'm not entirely happy about JE.

[tardismate.livejournal.com]

This id just...ohhh this just hurts soooo much... *sobs*
You made me cry all over again...sooo much pain for Ten...Rose so unsure of the new him,... 'He sees his alter-ego lean towards her, and whisper the words in her ear that he’d always known she’d needed to hear but had never been brave enough to say. He thinks he is ready to handle what’s coming next.

He’s wrong.'
This just ripped my heart into pieces!

*runs to huggle Ten*
Desperately beautiful!

[sej-1986.livejournal.com]

I managed to hold it together whilst watching the show.

This, however, pretty much killed me, and put into words what I have been trying to figure out all day.

[ladychi.livejournal.com]

Oh my God. That was painful. Cathartic and painful. Beautiful... but painful. You could see all of this written across Ten's face in the episode and here it is in word form.

I'm going to go have a good cry and a bottle of wine.

[effulgent-girl.livejournal.com]

And now I'm sobbing again. When will the hurt go away, ot at least lessen.

[maniacalshen.livejournal.com]

Oof. That hurt, but it was really well-done!

[requialexa.livejournal.com]

This fic was healing in its own right, and yet still just about had me in tears. Well done. I love that you included that he'd always have her love...

*sigh*

[grbggrl.livejournal.com]

ouch. That was beautiful.

[slvrcrystalc.livejournal.com]

I need you, just as much. More. Make me stop, Rose. Please. Make me stop.

YES!!! That's it EXACTLY!! How could she do that to him? Just let him-! ARGH!

[bassair.livejournal.com]

Ohhh... I'm trying not to cry.

This was so, so beautiful.

The Doctor is a moron. It had to be said. He shouldn't have let her go.

[aimeekitty.livejournal.com]

wow.

you totally made me cry. thankyou, I have nothing to say.

[pellnell.livejournal.com]

Love it, really really love it.

I wanted to hit RTD, but I wanted to hug Ten more. He had to resist saying those words to the person he loved most in all the universe.

[rjchasez.livejournal.com]

Okay, I'm seriously weeping. Beautiful and sad.

[magneticwave.livejournal.com]

Lovely and heartbreaking and so . . . just, beyond words. I seriously just watched 'Journey's End' two minutes ago for the first time - I'm such a bad fan, but that's besides the point - and I so completely feel for the Doctor now, understanding what he did. You put motivations and hurt and anger and heartbreak into a two minute scene that wasn't nearly long enough. Amazing.