All The Things I Should Have Said

[preserved_ginger]

Title: All The Things I Should Have Said
Character(s): Rose. Ten mentioned passim
Pairing(s): Ten/Rose
Rating: PG-14
Beta(s): leighleighla, principia_coh, requialexa and starlightmoonla
Setting: post-Doomsday, the parallel universe
Disclaimer: Borrowed, without permission.
A/N: This fic comes with a tissue-warning!
Summary: Rose writes the Doctor a letter.

Dear Doctor

I know the chances that you’ll ever get to see this are so small that they’re almost non-existent; I know that, but I have to say these things to you somehow or I’ll end up losing my mind. Not much chance of me having that ‘fantastic life’ you so badly wanted for me if that happens, is there?

Anyway, this isn’t about me, it’s about you, so let’s me get back on topic (babbling‘s another thing I‘ve picked up from you; never used to go off on a tangent half as easily as I do now). It is so hard to write this — I feel horribly self-conscious, even though you are never going to see it — so difficult to put down on paper the thoughts and feelings I never really needed to when I was with you.

Do you miss me, even a little bit? Because I miss you. I want to make that clear, right from the start, so there aren’t any misunderstandings - there‘s been enough of those between us already and I can‘t bear there to be any more. Not about this, it’s too important for that.

I miss you, I miss you, I miss you - so very much it physically hurts. I haven’t the words any more - if I ever did - to express how it feels to me to be without you. You've always been more articulate than me, even if you aren't perhaps as comfortable about getting your point across when it came to things like this. (Yes, I know I'm referring to you in the present tense. You're not dead after all [you're not, are you? Please, no.], even if I have absolutely no idea where you are, what you're doing, or who you're with. Not any more.)

There's no-one here for me like you. Mum tries, but she doesn't understand what I've lost. She's got her Pete now, and so she's forgotten what it was like, losing my Dad ... and sometimes I hate her, just a little bit, for forgetting so easily.

And then, of course, there’s Mickey. But that’s a whole different story.

Mickey tries his best, God love him; even he’s said, though, that it’s the ‘lifestyle’ I’m missing, like you’re a car, or a job, or something. To be fair to him, though, I think he’s telling himself that to ward off the pain of admitting that that’s the least of the reasons I left him for you. I can't say I blame him, really; the way I treated him is one of many things I'd change if I could — but I'd still choose you, every time. I'd choose you. That's the one thing I would never change.

Nobody understands, so they never get it quite right: yes, I miss travelling with you, of course I do. But I'd give it all up - the travelling through time, through space, all of it, if it meant I still had you. None of it would be the same - even ’home’ isn't the same - and there's precious little I'd not give up if doing so meant I could keep you in the bargain.

Travelling is better with two, I told you once. That‘s still true, like so many other things we used to do together.

"If wishes were horses, beggars would ride", Mum always used to tell me when I was a kid.  She was right, of course; if wishes were granted, I'd not need to be writing this.  We'd be together. I'd be on the other side of that wall.  With you.

I miss everything about you — waking up in the morning wrapped around you, keeping you away from the sugar and caffeine if I didn't want you bouncing off the walls; even the bloody awful puns you're always coming up with, and how cranky you get when I won't laugh at them.

I've been trapped here for months.  Months.  And still the pain is as strong as it was in the beginning. Everything here is so much like home, sometimes I catch myself listening for you, for the TARDIS, as if you've just popped out for some parts and you'll be back before I know it. Sometimes it gets so quiet out here in the country that I forget the ever-present buzz of the zeppelins hovering over London. That's when it's the worst, because every time the illusion I've built up shatters my heart breaks a little bit more. And unlike you, I've only the one.

I don’t know what to do any more. I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve run after brown-haired men in a pin-stripe suit or a camel trenchcoat, hoping somehow that you’ve done the impossible (again) and found your way back to me, but it’s never ever you.

What’s worse than all the men who aren’t you is when I sleep - because then, I dream. Ever the same dream; always I’m with you. And when I dream it’s as if we’ve never been apart. Your mouth on my neck, my skin, my lips; your fingertips tracing a path over my body - and somehow, as your dream self makes love to me, it’s as if you’re truly here. It’s not as good as the reality was, but I’ll take what I can get.

Those dreams are so good, feel so right, that I never want to wake from them … but I always do. I always do; I always wake alone, and that hurts more than I could even begin to say.

You told me once that I was your hand to hold. I’m sorrier than I can say that I’m not there to hold your hand now; and the most hateful part of all of this is how that was not by my choice, or even yours. I’ve been forced to break my promise to you and I’m sick with it.

I promised you once that I’d stay with you “for ever“. I meant every word of it; I always will.

I love you, Doctor. Don’t ever forget that. I love you.

Your Rose

Comments

[requialexa.livejournal.com]

I can't say enough how much I love this. I don't think I've been moved as often by repeated watchings of Doomsday as I have been by repeated readings of this letter.

As well as you channel Ten's voice usually, you nailed Rose here.

::sniff::

I miss you, I miss you, I miss you

That's where it starts (the tears well up)...I love the pacing of the letter, like she had to write a bit before she got to the real place, the place of raw emotion. Makes it so genuine.

I love you, Doctor. Don’t ever forget that. I love you.

I can hear those words choked out on that beach...::sniffle, sigh::

Well done!

[rjrog77.livejournal.com]

I can't say enough how much I love this. I don't think I've been moved as often by repeated watchings of Doomsday as I have been by repeated readings of this letter.

It's powerful, ain't it? This fic makes me tear up every time I read it.

As well as you channel Ten's voice usually, you nailed Rose here.

That's 'cause of you and the other betas kicking my arse for me 'til I had it right ;)

I love the pacing of the letter, like she had to write a bit before she got to the real place, the place of raw emotion. Makes it so genuine.

I had to get it just right; wanted to make it believable - having her pretty much break down in the middle of it is probably realistic. I see this letter as having been written in bits, as and when she could bear to get the words written down.

[kitsune17.livejournal.com]

Lovely. Sad and lovely.

[rjrog77.livejournal.com]

Lovely. Sad and lovely.

Thanks; I'm glad you like it. Hope that it wasn't too depressing (I have a tendency to write angst!fic that way, I've noticed).

[maniacalshen.livejournal.com]

Good pacing and very depressing - in a good way. Lovely!

[rjrog77.livejournal.com]

Good pacing and very depressing - in a good way.

Thanks; I hope it wasn't too depressing?

[torn-eledhwen.livejournal.com]

Very lovely.

[rjrog77.livejournal.com]

Thank you!

[bubbles234.livejournal.com]

Too many tears to type properly.
Lovely though
x

[rjrog77.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you liked it (didn't mean to make you cry, though - *hugs*).

[hence-the-name.livejournal.com]

Oooh, I liked this. You really capture the depth of her grief and the tone of it is so true to her voice as a character. Everyone else said it, but I will, too: really, really lovely.

[rjrog77.livejournal.com]

Oooh, I liked this. You really capture the depth of her grief and the tone of it is so true to her voice as a character.

I tried, would you believe, to have this as part of a longer fic; every time I tried to add to it, though, it felt contrived, so I took that as the hint that it was done.

I'm not used to writing for Rose - almost everything I write is Doctor (usually Ten) POV - but I'm glad you think I've done her justice :)